Blue is really Blue
by Imagine Lucy
Summary: Alice moves into Bella's apartment complex and it's love at first sight. Bella's love story consists of paintings, wine, and dinner parties. A/B AH The rating is a hard T. Warning: angst.


Blue is really Blue

Summary: Alice moves into Bella's apartment complex and it's love at first sight. Bella's love story consists of paintings, wine and dinner parties. A/B AH The rating is a hard T. Warning: angst.

AN: I'll be honest, it's not a HEA which is so unlike me. I'm rather nervous and want someone to hold my hand. I'm new to writing, so I hope you like it and tell me what you think.

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(Bella's POV)

March 16, 2012

I met Alice while I was fumbling for my keys and when our eyes met I thought it would be my love story. Something I had written in my spare time had finally come true. I would play the perfect lead while Alice played my perfect lover. I drop my keys and she picks them up. Our hands touch as she gives me my key back and I feel the electrical currency that meant that this was true love so I pull away quickly. I thought she did too.

She encompasses all of my vision, from her short cropped hair that framed her head like the sun, to her pearly pale legs that wobbled together so that her bare knees touch. I wanted to take her hand and hold it while I kissed the sharp curve of her collar bone. It would have been beautiful. I would have been a part of that.

She introduces herself as Alice and I say my name which I don't know how I managed to do because her presence consumes my existence. She likes to dance on the balls of feet while she tells me she's from New York, no not New York City but the woodsy New York State. I remember those exact words. She flourished her hand as she said New York City as if that single gesture explained the very essence of New York City. I nodded enthusiastically because I don't know anything about New York except for the state's location on the globe. So I pretend that I was well versed in New York culture and mimic her hand gestures so that she felt understood. Before she left to go to her apartment she kisses me on the cheek, and that would be the essence of Alice, a kiss on the cheek.

I watched her leave and I stood there for a moment trying to permanently preserve the moment in my mind. I replayed it in my head until the event became a blend of memory and fantasy. I go inside my apartment and I don't pay attention to the heavily footsteps above my apartment.

March 21, 2012

I have to see her again so I plot ways to bump into her. I contemplate borrowing a cup of sugar or stealing her mail and then returning it to her. I do neither; this time is characterized by staggering low levels of writing and I even highlight a library book. I try to white-out the highlighter but the book still look terrible which meant I can't return it. I called the library to return the library card but it turns out I still had to bring back the book before I can cancel the card. I told them I would bring it back by Tuesday.

March 22, 2012

It's Wednesday and I still have the book. Does that make me a liar? I rip out a page of the book and put it under my door mat. I hoped Alice would walk by the door and kick the mat over revealing this page. She would then read the page and realized how smart I was and fall deeply in love with me.

I finally see Alice for the second time when she was coming home from work. She invites me over for coffee and I try to play it cool but I think she know how excited I am. She kept grinning at me like her smile is only for my eyes. It makes me smile back the same way. I love it when my face starts to hurt and I just keep beaming. It's like deleting a whole chapter in my book.

She pours herself a glass of red wine and asks me what I would like. I tell her I want what she was drinking and she gives me my own glass. It's silent as she enjoys her drink and I try to choke mine down. I've never cared for wine because it makes me think about grape skins and how impossibly sad that is.

She asks me questions and I answer them. I don't remember what I say because that's not what matters. What's important is that she wants to get to know me and she's letting me into her apartment so that I can see how she lives. She has all these paintings by artist she's met covering her walls. Her home is more lived in than mine; maybe if I get paintings my home will look more alive like hers. When she gets up to make some cheese and crackers, her leg brushes up against my jeans. I imagined what would have happened if I hadn't been wearing long pants. Skin on skin can be life altering. She brings back the food and she starts eating it right away like she's alone and I am a ghost on her shoulder. I watch how she tries to bite half a cracker and it ends up crumbling all over her shirt. She doesn't brush the crumbs off and I so desperately want to do that for her. After she finishes she says she wants to take a bath and I say okay. I'm forced to leave.

April 2, 2012

I don't see her for a while since she's busy preparing an art exhibit. I go to IKEA to buy some art to hang on my walls. IKEA isn't known for its provocative paintings but it's the only place I know that sells two paintings for forty bucks. I find a painting of a large purple flower. I try to picture myself showing Alice this painting and making up a story about how I had to persuade the artist to part with it. She would laugh and relate a similar experience then she would kiss me. I would back her into my bedroom as I slowly ran my hands down her body.

I spend two hours at IKEA and come home with all the paintings they sold. Each painting is an opportunity to lie next to her. I don't have any nails to put up my paintings; it's a perfect excuse to ask Alice for help so I knock on her apartment door. That's when I met Jasper. He's six foot tall, blond, and only in a towel. He leans casually against the door and subtly taking in my appearance. I notice the towel he has on because it has flowers all over it like it was stenciled on. It must be Alice's. He brushes a strand out of my hair out of my face when Alice's voices bounces down the hall. He winks and quickly leaves me standing in the hallway like a stray duckling.

She says hello to me while she puts the groceries onto the coffee table. She kisses Jasper on the lips and it leaves me breathless. It's sickening how real this pain is. I can't see and I can't hear because I'm no longer in the room. I'm somewhere deep in my mind hiding because I can't bear the fact that she kissed him. I don't know how I get out of that room but I spend the night on my bathroom floor because it's smooth to the touch, how I imaged her skin would have felt.

April 3, 2012

I finish my book.

I am the missing organ on the transplant list.

April 21, 2012

She seeks me out when she needs batteries for her remote control. I lie and say I don't have any because her smiles are like pennies. She says it's no big deals and goes to the next neighbor. It is a big deal and she doesn't see it. I still don't have nails for the paintings so I use duck tape. I stay up until one in the morning trying to hang the paintings with what I have. I hear Alice moaning. The ripping sound the duck tape makes when I pull on it is much more satisfying. The next day I see her pass my door and her hair doesn't look so effortlessly tossed anymore. Her shoulder blades are so delicate, like corners on a flower tip; I hate how lovely she is.

She actually invites me to a dinner party and says that I could bring a date. I hide the invitation behind one of the paintings but I can't hang the painting up again because the duck tape wore off. More importantly, how am I supposed to bring someone to her party?

April 27, 2012

When I show up to the party, it's a guy who's my date because I want her to feel how I felt when I saw Jasper in her towel. She extremely nice to my date whose name is Mike and I don't think that's his real name. Based on all the TV I've watch, hookers rarely use their real name but I could be wrong. He has brown hair and his smile's is just like Alice's. He is a perfect gentleman and carries the conversation along perfectly; I couldn't have asked for a better fake boyfriend.

Later in the evening Alice pulls me aside and gushes about how cute my date is and she seems so impressed with my taste in men. She asks me questions that make me uncomfortable, like if Mike is good in bed and how big his cock is. I hate the word cock; it sounds so ruthless and unforgiving. I lie about the sex and the cock size. I wish I hadn't because she starts talking about Jasper and the image of the towel flashes in my mind and I can't bear it. I keep drinking whatever Mike is bringing me so that I don't cry when Alice says Jasper's cock is perfect and how amazing he is as a lover. He knows exactly how to get her off with his tongue and it sounds so vulgar when Jasper is involved so I leave early. When I leave, Alice goes to kiss me on the cheek but I turn my head so that our lips met. It lasts a second but it makes me dry up inside because my eyes are wide open and I see Jasper smirking behind Alice.

Mike follows me into my home and he kisses me gently. He brushes his hand up my leg until he's at the hem of my underwear. I let him fuck me hard against the kitchen table until I feel like my insides are tearing. I hope that Alice can hear me as I scream. I claw at Mike because it'll cost extra if I leave marks. I let Mike pull my head up for one last kiss. He gets up and zips his pants up. I start crying because I can't understand the absolute misery I feeling. It's like a pin dropping into a glass of water and I am the ripples. I ask Mike to stay the night. I won't have enough money for rent.

May 3, 2012

After Alice met Mike, she seems to be more comfortable around me. Now she invites me over for wine all the time. I hate when she's drunk because she starts talking about her twin sister, Rosalie, who she doesn't talk to anymore because she's that way. I don't know what way. I nod though, because Alice is my way even if she doesn't know it yet.

I learn that her favorite color is blue and that she prefers impressionist artwork over romantic. Her favorite food is pasta and she had no childhood pets. It's like she's slowly letting me read her dating profile and over her picture, It's stamped Jasper's.

She asks about my friends and I lie about them. I use the characters in my books as friends because they know me better than anyone else in the world. She loves the main character, Beth, in my latest book and Alice wants to meet her. I'm supposed to arrange a group lunching between myself, Alice, and Beth, so that we can all meet each. Alice sounds so excited about meeting her so I set up a date next week for all of us to meet. I might have to ask Mike if he knows any women that could help me out.

She takes me to one of her galleries when Jasper is busy with work. I pretend it's a date so I wear high heels and lipstick. She shows up with flowers and my fantasy is now intertwined with reality. Throughout the evening she points out aspects of the painting. Sometimes she gets very close to me and whisper in my ear the exact spot to look to see the artist's signature. I lean in and it's impossible to think that we didn't belong together like Alice's cheese and crackers. I want to kiss her when the date ends but she's already gone before I can even gather the courage.

May 17, 2012

She doesn't call for days. My editor received my last book and hated it. I want to crawl into my bed and perfect the art of lifelessness. Maybe death isn't huddling in my bed but something brighter like being pushed on a swing in a playground. I write some pathetic poetry and consider modeling my life after Emily Dickenson.

May 20, 2012

Alice calls and invites me over. I throw all my poetry away but before I do I pour a whole bottle of ink over the papers. I can't risk people seeing my poetry.

May 22, 2012

Alice and Beth meet and they hit it off. My world is destroyed because Alice is that way but just not my way. I can't believe the woman playing Beth likes Alice enough to call her and ask her out on a date.

Jasper is kicked out of the apartment and I see him on the way out. He hugs me and says he knows how I feel now so I slap him across the face. He kisses me on the mouth and I let him. I am a zombie as he proves to me how much we love Alice. When he leaves he calls me a whore and I laugh because I'm not. I'm just too in love and I have nowhere to go.

Alice gushes about her upcoming dating and this is the first time I raise my voice at her. I shout I thought you didn't talk to your sister because she's that way. Alice looks stunned and replies she meant homophobic. She starts crying because she thinks I'm homophobic. I try to tell her otherwise but she slams the door in my face.

I am the skin underneath your nails.

May 25, 2012

I spend hours writing her letters trying to explain my actions: they all range from apologizes to declaration of love. I promise myself I will fix this no matter what I do.

I gather the courage to approach her door and knock. My heart is in my ears. I don't know what I'm going to say. By the time she opens the door, my hands are trembling so much that I have to hide them behind my back. She sounds tired when asks she me what I'm doing here. I tried to speak but nothing comes out. She taps her foot in a steady beat which is so unlike Alice so I shriek out I'm sorry.

Alice replies and what are you sorry for? Word vomit takes over and I ramble about how I offended her sexual identity. Everything seems to be going well since she's stop taping her foot and frowning but she say why did you freak out? Those words are the cross street to my heart and brain because I so desperately want to divulge the secret that I love her but my brain wants to be calm and make up an excuse.

Everything is too much and I hate the fucking paintings on my wall so it comes out all in one word: iloveyou. She doesn't react and I say it again. I love you.

This is the climax in my story. This is the point where I could lose everything or gain everything. While I'm waiting for Alice to respond, I'm struck by the concept that life couldn't possibly be this cruel that I'd loss Alice. Nothing like that could happen because it's unimaginable.

You love me she says with a question mark and I nod quickly so that she doesn't forget. Alice shakes her head, making her hair dance. Alice continues by whispering, Bella I wish you had told me when I first moved in because I liked you so much. My joy overshadows the past tense in Alice's statement. Then Alice is shouting but Bella you've lied to me so much how could I possibly trust you? I don't even know who you are.

Now I know that the world really is heartless. There is a difference in know that life isn't fair and experiencing it. I try to stammer out how I haven't lied to her but that seems to aggravate her even more.

Alice spits out, Bella come on, how dumb do you think I am? She continues to rant that on her date, Beth told her that she's a hooker and that Mike is a hooker and that she could never be friends with, let alone lovers with someone that lied that much.

She takes my heart and staples it to her chest because that's where it belongs.

I've never be strong enough to cut myself so I ask Alice if she had loved me when she first met me and she said yes.

I leave like I'm floating space because there is nothing attaching me to this world anymore. I get into my apartment and don't know what to do. Nothing will make this better. The paintings taunt me so I take a kitchen knife to them hoping that if I cause as much destruction that is consuming my body I might get some peace.

Nothing is satisfying.

So I sit down and I write what could have happen and it only makes it worse.

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